Akin To Dying
by mugglecastlover31
Summary: He has touched your life and though you would rather stay with him, now you must go and live on with only your memories of him. An alternate ending to The High King. Rather depressing...


_Quick note before the story, this is an alternate ending to_ _The High King...an ending in which Eilonwy is forced to leave. So it is a story of heartbreak I suppose. The story takes the place of the last two chapters, or maybe the last chapter and a half. I'm not quite sure why I wrote it, since the ending is so happy. It kind of just wrote itself one afternoon. Obviously my writing is nowhere near as wonderful as Mr. Alexanders, but I suppose being a hopeless romantic I needed more details on Taran and Eilonwy's love so added more of the thoughts of the characters. Anyways, as always constructive criticism is welcome but please, flames are a waste of your time and mine. And thank you to my wonderful betas WinterBaby19 and BlindingPinkObsession._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Especially not the excerpt taken directly from The High King._

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Akin To Dying

He ran; ran far and fast, his vision blurred by the tears streaming down his face. He collapsed against a tree and angrily brushed them away. The tears fell because he had made the decision to stay in Prydain. He had made the decision to stay…and he would be without Eilonwy.

The night before, Dallben had told them all that they would be leaving for the Summer Country. Gwydion, Fflewdurr, Gurgi, Eilonwy, Dallben and Taran included those who would be leaving. He had been joyful at the thought, but then Orddu, Orwen, and Orgoch came to him in what seemed to be a semblance of a dream. He had then realized that he must stay. And in the morning he had announced his decision to everyone. Dallben asked him if it was his final decision and he had said yes, as much as it pained him. Right there, he had been named High King of Prydain. He had chosen a life of travail over the everlasting sunshine in the Summer Country. He had shouldered a burden many would shy away from because he knew that it was his duty. He had made the choice that would part him forever from Eilonwy.

She would leave tomorrow morning. She was going away with the others to the Summer Country. It was now that Taran's courage and honor were being tested.

He wanted with all his heart to leave with her. Wherever she went, he wanted to always be with her. He loved every one of her mannerisms. Such as the way she'd stick her nose up in the air and say, "I'm not speaking to you Taran of Caer Dallben!" It always made him smile because within the next couple of minutes she would be jabbering away at him yet again.

But then again he wasn't Taran of Caer Dallben or Taran Assistant Pig-Keeper anymore. He was Taran, High King. It was all he had ever dreamed of as a boy. In his wildest fantasies he had never though that this could happen. Before, he would have given anything for this honor. But now…now…he was in love. He was in love with Eilonwy and he didn't want her to leave. He would give up anything and everything for her. But he knew his duty was now to his kingdom. He couldn't leave with her. He should be honored at being named king of the entire land. But all he felt was despair. Despair as deep and horrible as the ocean. Black, sinking, consuming; despair.

Taran knew what he had to stay for. He had vowed to finish the seawall at Dinas Rhydnant. The destruction that Arawn's evil had sown needed to be fixed. Taran new he might not be able to help much, or maybe not at all, but he had to try. Maybe he _could_ leave. He could leave and spend the rest of his life with her. That would make the pain in his heart go away, right? He could leave with her and be happy for all of eternity. But what about guilt, would he not feel guilty? Guilty for leaving behind all of Prydain that he was supposed to now lead? Yes he would, of course he would. But was that guilt worth it when he could be with his love? Was his happiness worth all of Prydain? No it wasn't, and so he must stay even it if meant tearing his heart out. He must stay.

All his life, love had not meant much as he had had neither mother nor father. His naïve mind used to think that love was something trivial, something that didn't matter at all. How wrong he had been. Eilonwy's vibrant presence had swayed him, and he found out what love was. She made him weak because she was the one thing that he truly cared about. Maybe it was better that she leave. No one would be able to use her against him. She would never be harmed. But how would he live without her now? There was no way…no way…

He wanted her to be his queen. But did she even want to stay? Did she even love him, love him in that way? Why hadn't he even told her yet? Why was it proving to be so difficult? Maybe it would be easier to not say anything. He didn't think he could tell her and watch her walk away from him. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, and love her.

But he couldn't. She would leave tomorrow morning, and he would never see her again.

**:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:**

Eilonwy looked out the window, towards the afternoon sun. Never before had she felt so helpless. Tomorrow she was going to leave. She was going to go away forever from her beloved homeland…and from Taran.

She blushed slightly as she had never fully admitted to herself her feelings for him. She thought he was silly at times, or brave, or stubborn, or foolish. But she had always loved him. She loved him even more so when she was angry with him.

Being outspoken was in her nature, yet she had never quite found the courage to tell him how she felt. She was sure he was blockheaded enough to not understand what she was saying to him, if she were to tell him. Or he would just call her a silly little girl and turn his back on her. Either way, whether she told him or not, there was no way she would leave him without a fight. They would have to drag her away, kicking and screaming.

He was staying because he knew that it was his duty to stay and Eilonwy respected him and loved him for it. She could never ask him to leave, so she would have to stay. But first she had to figure out a _way_ to stay. They would leave tomorrow and she was to go with them. If she explained to Dallben why she wanted to stay he would understand for sure. If she told him that she loved Taran, he would surely let her stay. There was no way he would want her heart to be broken.

Getting up off her bed, she brushed away a stray tear and went in search of Dallben.

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Taran needed to see her now. It didn't matter that he thought it would be better to just not tell her. His heart was making the decisions for him now, not his mind. His heart was telling him to go tell Eilonwy how he felt. Even if it were to be only one night with her, it would be better than nothing.

But as darkness began to fall over the sun, Taran faltered. What if she didn't want him as he wanted and needed her? What if she had never considered him in that way? What if she completely rejected all his feeling for her? Would he be able to stand it? Yes, he would have to bear it because he heart was bursting to tell Eilonwy his sentiments for her. His love for her.

And so he began walking again, towards the farm and towards her.

**:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:**

As she came out of the house with her head down she almost ran into Dallben.

"Do watch where you're going Eilonwy!" he exclaimed.

She looked up at him and took a deep breath. But before she could say anything Dallben had already started talking.

"I knew you would come. But alas, I cannot give you what you will ask for," he said, his eyes full of sadness at the pain he knew his words would cause Eilonwy.

"But…but why not?" she cried, "I love Taran! There must be a way that I can stay with him!"

"I am sorry Eilonwy. There isn't a way. Do you not think that if there was I would tell you? You and Taran are both very dear to me. I do not _want_ either of you to suffer. But I can see no way around it."

"Buy why? Why must I go and he stay?"

"Taran's decision to stay is his own. He understands his duty-"

"I know that! I love him for that! But why can I not stay, why do I not have a choice as he does?"

Dallben looked like he didn't want to answer the question, but he did:

"It is because of your magic."

"My …magic?" Eilonwy breathed, looking confused.

"Yes your magic. Your possession of magic is the reason that you must go to the Summer Country. Taran does not possess magic, and therefore his decision to stay is not affected."

"Is there no way I can be rid of this curse?" she said angrily.

"You should not call it a curse Eilonwy; your magic has helped you on countless occasions," Dallben stated gently.

"It is nothing but a curse if it is the only reason I must leave!" she said passionately, turning to go back into the house.

She ran back into her room and threw herself onto her bed. Tears wouldn't come, all she felt was anger; anger at herself and who she was. The only reason she could not stay was her own self. Her very being was the reason she must leave. Why had she been born like this? Why?

Wasn't the war over? Wasn't happiness supposed to reign? Or was her life to be covered in an endless shadow of sorrow?

She would rather live one lifetime with him than endure all the ages of the world alone. What was the point of existing for perpetuity in the Summer Country if Taran would not be there with her?

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He walked up to the door of her bedroom, took deep breath and knocked gently.

"Eilonwy?" he called.

He heard soft footsteps approach the door and it opened slightly. Eilonwy's usually joy filled eyes were now completely devoid of any such thing.

Maybe she didn't want to leave. Maybe she did have some feelings for him. Or maybe she just didn't want to leave Prydain.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. Her voice seemed to be laden with anger though Taran couldn't fathom a guess as to why.

"I, um…" Taran started but hesitated as Eilonwy's intense eyes pierced him.

He cleared his throat and started again.

"I came to, um…I came to see if you were done putting your things together so that I could put them outside," he said changing the reason as to why he had come. He could kill without hesitation in battle yet it was proving this hard to tell someone he loved them?

"No I haven't she replied, a hard edge to her voice.

Taran didn't understand her anger. Did his question lead her to believe that he wanted her to leave? He couldn't do this anymore, she needed to know now.

Slowly he walked up to her and touched her face softly with a trembling hand. His hands were cold and made her shiver slightly.

"Must you leave me?" Taran whispered.

The anger in her eyes abated as she warmed to his touch and replied, "It doesn't seem as though I have a choice does it?"

Her eyes filled with tears and Taran, not being able to see her cry, pulled her to him and held her tight. Her head rested comfortably on his chest. He put a hand in her red-gold hair and whispered, "I love you," gently in her ear.

Eilonwy pulled away from him a little and looked up at him with a smile on her face.

"I love you too."

For a few moments they just looked at each other, both of them trying to contain the happiness flowing through their veins until Taran slowly brought his head down and brushed his lips against Eilonwy's. It was a short, chaste kiss, as he had never kissed anyone before and wasn't quite sure how to do it, but she nearly fell down from the sudden rise of emotion within her. She put her arms around Taran's neck to support herself and hugged him.

That kiss, that one kiss, had conveyed everything; conveyed every feeling, every thought, and every emotion. Tears began to flow down her face as Eilonwy realized that after tomorrow morning, she would never be so close to him again. She would never be able to speak to him or touch him again. Nothing. Ever.

"Eilonwy?" Taran asked as his shirt started to dampen, "Are you alright?"

"Yes," she responded, sniffing slightly.

Taran smiled at her and brushed away her tears. He took her hand and led her to her bed.

They lay on the bed, Eilonwy in Taran's arms. They just lay there, enjoying each other's close company in a comfortable silence. Neither could sleep as the inevitable morning crept closer, but the both thought that these last moments together were alleviating a little of the pain for the time being. But only just a little.

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The sun broke through the window, but unbeknownst to him, both Taran and Eilonwy cursed his coming this morning. Taran woke abruptly from his light sleep as the bright beams of light hit his eyes. He might've thought he was dreaming had it not been for the shadow of the inevitable that lingered in his mind. Eilonwy lay in his arms, her slow breathing tickling his neck. She looked ever so peaceful. This was how he wanted every morning to be. He wanted to wake up every morning and for the first thing he saw to be her.

He started to get up, gently moving her arm off of his torso, but she clung to him tightly so he just lay back down. She murmured sleepily and snuggled closer to him.

"It's dawn," Taran said, stroking her hair.

"No," Eilonwy muttered stubbornly.

"They will come looking for us soon…"

"No," she said again.

Suddenly, an idea came to him.

"I don't want you to leave Eilonwy. Maybe we can…maybe we can go talk to Dallben…if we explain our predicament to him... Surely he'll let you stay! After all, I'm staying even though he said I was to go to the Summer Country as well," he said while tugging at her arm to get up.

'I cannot stay, Taran," Eilonwy said slowly, averting her eyes.

She didn't want to tell Taran why she couldn't stay. It was possible that he would change his mind and decide to come with her and everyone else. She knew she was being selfish. That couldn't happen. He needed to stay here.

"But there must be some way that we can together, nothing is impossible!" he replied fervently.

"This is…" she said quietly.

"How can you know that, when we haven't even asked-" Taran started, getting angry.

"Don't you understand? I've already talked to Dallben. He knew why I didn't want to leave, but he told me I had to. There…There is no way around it."

"But why?" he persisted.

"Because…because of me."

"You?" he questioned.

"Yes me, me and my magic. Dallben said that I have no choice but to leave because of it," she finished.

Taran looked away. Until this moment Taran has thought that if he told Eilonwy how he felt, she would able to choose to stay, just as he had chosen to remain in Prydain. He had thought that it was one's own choice that affected whether or not one went to the Summer Country. But that wasn't true.

"Listen to me, Taran," Eilonwy said, turning his face towards hers, "Even though we cannot be together, you must stay here. It is your job to stay here. You understand that right? I could not stand to be the reason you left behind all of Prydain."

"I know…" he said heavily, tears in his eyes, "I know I must stay here…"

Eilonwy hugged him.

"We must get up now," Taran said with a heavy heart, "You need to get ready to leave, and I need to ready the horses."

Something, anything that would keep his mind from dwelling on her leaving.

Eilonwy nodded sadly as he left the room.

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She heard someone knocking at her door and went to open it. Behind the door stood Gwydion.

"Breakfast is being served. You must come and eat, we have a long journey ahead of us today," he said, looking down at her.

"Thank you, but I'm not hungry," Eilonwy responded, turning away.

Gwydion sensed that something was wrong and asked, "What trouble you, my dear princess?"

"I'm not hungry," she repeated, putting some spare clothes in a pack.

"That is not what I meant."

Eilonwy sighed and turned to face him.

"I don't want to leave."

"Then don't," Gwydion responded, not asking why.

"Dallben says I must…" Eilonwy responded on the verge of tears again.

"Why is that? Taran has elected to stay," Gwydion reasoned.

The mention of Taran made the tears start to flow again. "It's because of my magic…Dallben says that there is no room for it in Prydain now."

Gwydion did not answer but moved towards her looking concerned.

"Why do you cry? The Summer Country is not such a bad place," he said.

"But Taran won't be there…" she said looking away.

"Ah…" Gwydion said, "No wonder you don't feel like eating."

Eilonwy nodded slightly.

"I am sorry," he said, then paused for a moment and continued, "But you should he grateful for this chance, this opportunity, that was given to you by fate. Some people go their whole lives without finding love. He has touched your life and though you would rather stay with him, now you must go and live on with only your memories of him."

With that he left the room, closing the door behind him.

Eilonwy thought about what he had said and was torn. Was it indeed better to have loved him even though she was now losing him? Wouldn't it have been better if she and Taran had never met? Then neither of them would be hurting right now, or hurt for the rest of their lives. No Gwydion had to be wrong. Things would be easier for the both of them if their lives had never crossed paths.

**:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:**

Taran walked back into Eilonwy's room.

"The horses are ready," he said in a slow monotonous voice.

Her leaving was closer yet.

"Eilonwy looked up at him and nodded. She picked up her pack and walked towards Taran.

Hand in hand, they walked outside. Her leaving had felt like a dream before; now it was a harsh reality.

Everyone was putting their things in saddlebags or else tightening their saddles. There was an air of finality about each movement.

Taran helped Eilonwy put her pack into her horse's saddlebag with a grim face.

Eilonwy looked around and didn't see Melynlas. Quietly, she asked, "Are you not coming with us to the port?"

"No, I'm not," Taran responded, "I don't think I could stay firm in my resolution to stay if I went with you…No, I will stay here, as much as it sorrows me to do so."

"Yes, I understand," she said, trying to compose herself.

Taran let go of her hand and went to bid the others farewell.

Eilonwy fiddled with the straps on her horse's saddlebags aimlessly. She thought back upon what Gwydion had said to her. She had thought that it would be better to have never met Taran. No, that was not true. She could not imagine her life without Taran, and didn't want to. Even for the short time that they had been together, it had been better than nothing. It had been _far _better than nothing.

She looked at Taran as he clasped arms with Gwydion. He had changed so much since she had first met him. He had been so young, as had she, when she had first rescued him from the dungeons of Spiral Castle. She had thought him slow and stupid for his innocence. She _had_ been rather harsh on him at times, but he was just so rude sometimes! Slowly she had started to love the bumbling Pig-Keeper. He might always be waving around his sword in an ungainly fashion, but he had a kind and just heart. There was no one else in all of Prydain like him.

Up until this point she had kept her tears in check but they came fast now, and she hastily tried to wipe them away, but to no avail.

She could have been his queen, helping to rule over Prydain. But that wasn't what mattered, being queen didn't matter. She could have been his wife; she could have lived out her days in happiness. They would have had many children, a mark of their love.

Taran walked over, his eyes full of tears as well. Everyone around them was mounting their horses. The moment of their final farewell had come.

"I would not have you cry for me," Taran said gently, pulling Eilonwy to him.

"It just isn't fair! Why must I leave you? Why can't we be together!" she cried aloud.

"Listen to me Eilonwy," he said, putting a hand under her chin and lifting her head to face him, "Never before have I loved anyone, and never shall I love again. You are the only one. In this world or the next, we will be together."

He spoke these words with such fervor that her tears stopped.

She was did not know what to say so she got on her tiptoes and kissed him. The kiss was no longer than their last, but different in the passion of it.

The girl's eyes did not waver from his as she held out the golden sphere.

"Take this," she softly said, "though it does not glow brightly as the love we might have shared. Farewell, Taran of Caer Dallben. Remember me."

In one hand he held the golden bauble and with the other he helped Eilonwy onto her horse.

Their tears had stopped as their anguish was beyond crying now.

Gwydion murmured softly, "We must leave now."

Taran nodded slightly, still looking at Eilonwy. Neither said a word as Eilonwy's horse started to trot forward, just kept looking at each other. She kept looking back at Taran even after he had passed from her sight.

When they reached the port and she was boarding the ship, she finally turned away her gaze from the direction of Caer Dallben. With her head bowed, and her heart numb, she wondered if the pain she now felt was akin to dying.


End file.
